“What’s the point” you ask?

Last week, I rocked it  — I went to the gym/exercised six days in a week! I also stayed on Weight Watcher’s plan, tracked everything & felt so so good!

Like any weigh-in, you get nervous before hand — but felt really confident that this week the scale was going to show all my extra-hard work.

and then…

“Ok Rachel……you’re up this week.”

WHAT??!! I didn’t even look the person in the eye — I mouthed “fuck” under my breath as I felt tears well up in my eyes. As I slunk off, I could only mumble back to the staffer “…thanks..”

And then it chimed in —- “…what’s the point..it doesn’t matter, I’ll always be fat.” 

It took all my courage to sit down for the meeting and not just walk out the door, angry and disappointed. While I sat there waiting for the meeting to start, little tears fell down my cheek.

I felt like a failure. I felt like a phony. I felt broken and useless.

After our meeting, the room shared their victories this week: the pounds lost, the cravings overcome, the new records with fitness. Then I raised my hand and said:

“My victory is that I’m even sitting here — I was about a second away from storming out, quitting and giving up when I had a gain after such a great week. My default went right to asking ‘what’s the point?’ But I stayed – I chose to stay because it’s important to me. Then I realized — eff-you scale if you’re not going to join me in my success — because this week I gave it my all and I’m still really proud.” 

So — what’s the point? That I didn’t give in to a minor let down. That I didn’t give up on all the good work I did. That a number on a scale isn’t WHO I fully am. 

Beating the “Eh, F*ck it” attitude

For those diligently trying to get rid of excess flab, you know the scenario — things are rocking the first few weeks of your new amazing healthy routine. You feel great, lost some pounds and think “wow, this is SO EASY!”

And this it hits — the day comes when you think “….ok, this is getting hard…can’t I go back to how I was before?” 

I was in that place for a bit this week. I awoke on Thursday morning a little later than I had planned, so wasn’t able to make the breakfast I mapped out the night before. The first thought that came into my mind was “Eh, fuck it — I’ll just get a bagel sandwich from Dunks…mmm ham.”  OH NO!

It got worse — I was ALSO planning on eating lunch out with co-workers and thought “Eh, screw it — I’ll just get whatever”  DOUBLE OH NO!

But I knew what was happening — the OLD voice of giving up was trying to persuade me to give in. So I put on my coaching hat and did a quick solo-session while I got ready for the day– here’s what the plan then looked like —

• I still needed to get breakfast out, as it was too late to make it from home. So I compromised — I got a flat bread turkey sausage sandwich from Dunks, which equalled the same amount of Weight Watcher points I was going to make from my breakfast anyway — SCORE!
• For lunch, I looked at the menu ahead of time for the Vietnamese place we always go to, and even went the extra mile as to see how I might factor the Weight Watchers points value. I had Pho, a yummy soup that’s a healthier choice.
• That night, I hit the gym for 20 mins of cardio then took a Zumba class
• For dinner, I enjoyed a divine and sensible sushi dinner out w/ a girlfriend

VICTORY! I didn’t blow the day after all! In fact, I stayed on plan AND had remaining activity points that I earned! 

But most of all — I didn’t give into that voice that wanted me to get lazy and fall  back into my old routine. It felt good to make smart choices while still having fun & going out for meals. The key was taking a moment to think it through and not destroy my day just because I was running 10 minutes late.

Birds of a feather

It’s been a while since I last posted — sowwy.

I have really fun news though! My boyfriend, A, has joined Weight Watchers online and we’re doing it together! He’s a pretty slender guy, but recently has put on 15 extra pounds that he just doesn’t want — so he joined the program and is tracking his little heart out.

I’ve been doing the program for a while, but in the last 6 months or so, A has really become more health conscious. He’s becoming aware that what he ate 10 years ago without any issue isn’t the case anymore. He’s also more conscious with foods, activities and his outlook on health. He’s an avid walker, but now knows that activity and a balanced diet is what creates a healthier life. I’m really proud of him!

And can I say it’s AWESOME of him to try the program with me!! Food in our home now has point values written in Sharpie…we’re talking about our health in a new way. We’re doing it TOGETHER.

But I have to keep in mind that my own healthy way wont be another’s– I have to bite my tongue a lot, because the WW program works best when you figure it out for yourself and make it work within you habits and lifestyle.

But it’s nice to have A doing this alongside me 🙂

[ The dark side of weight-loss ]

Being overweight my whole adult life, I’ve paid special attention to how other heavy people describe themselves and the weight-loss endeavours they take on. More often than not, I come across people who label themselves in very negative ways, such as “fat”, “obese” and other technical terms. Am I technically fat? Yes. Do I go around acting, labeling and viewing myself as that? No. I’m not in denial either — I just know what motivates people to change and dis-empowering messaging is NOT one of them.

This is where the mental and emotional implications of being overweight are most complex — people who set out on a weight-loss effort are already setting themselves up for challenges from the get-go due to the beliefs they have about who they are as a person. Having an image issue is often times at the core of those who later develop a weight issue. We tend to view ourselves with disapproving eyes and that leads to shame, guilt and deeper insecurity.

As I scan through the bazillion blogs on wight-loss I’m astonished to see to many of them using harmful headlines like “Fat” or “To be skinny one day” ect. I’ve also noticed that they equate weight-loss purely with the physical aspects, and seldom the mental, emotional and spiritual dimensions.

Through my years of trying to manage my weight, I can say with near certainty that weight is a spiritual issue first and foremost — it only lastly shows up in the physical realm. Fat, thin, chunky — our souls are our most prized possession and somewhere alone the line, we’re not sure what to do with this incredible brilliance. Some may turn to drugs, sex, money and others, to food — all of these are ways to grapple with the overwhelming awareness that perhaps  we feel we’re not deserving of this treasure…

I’m also a life coach who understands just how important personal growth and awareness is to encourage and fuel transformation. This is why my weight-loss blog doesn’t just count calories or how many miles I ran. It tells the story of a woman who has an eclectic life and curious eye for the world around her — who among many other things, is also aware of her own body and devotes time and energy to cultivate it.

I’d love to see a shift in the weight-loss community that moves away from purely physical measurements of success, and into a direction that respects and appreciates the wholeness of a person incorporating the emotional healing and growth that occurs, and how weight is an interpretation of our soul’s worth.

That overused Gandhi line is pretty applicable to me now…Be the change you wish to see in the world. 

[ Walk’about ]

I got up nice and early today and decided to take a walk to a pond near-by, which is along a 22-mile commuter bike-path. My stomach was feeling a lot better, but I knew I wasn’t up for a hard workout w/ running.

So I strapped on my sneakers, iPhone & cap and headed out at 8am under a brilliantly blue late-summer New England sky.

It felt great to be out in the fresh morning air. There has always been something so peaceful and invigorating about the mid-morning. If I didn’t have to be at work at 8:30am, I’d always work out at this time — I feel more alive, vibrant and refreshed.

So in 50 minutes & a little over 2 miles later [6 WW AP’s, btw :)], I made it to the pond. It’s a nice livin’-in-the-city-sanctuary and every time I see it as I round the bend on the trail, I smile.